TIME MAKES ONE THINK...

SO IVE TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE IN SOME FORM OR ANOTHER BUT DUE TO ME BEING ON INJURY LEAVE FROM WORK CAUSE OF THE CAR ACCIDENT THE TOPIC IS MORE PREVALENT. WHEN IM LAYING THERE, YOUR MIND JUST LIKES TO WORK OVERTIME AND A FLOOD OF QUESTIONING AND JUDGEMENT CREEPS IN... QUESTIONING AND JUDGEMENT OF WHERE I AM, WHERE IVE BEEN, WHERE IM GOING, WHAT IM DOING, WHY..., AND THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE OF ALL... WHAT IF... TIME JUST MAKES YOU THINK OF EVERYTHING YOU DONT WANT TO... I RATHER BE BUSY AND HAVE OTHER THINGS ON MY MIND THAN TO HAVE ME QUESTIONING MYSELF. THE WORST PART IS THAT ITS NOT JUST ONE THING... IT ALWAYS STARTS OFF WITH SOMETHING SMALL WHICH CONNECTS TO SOMETHING BIGGER AND THEN YOU JUMP ISSUES AND SOMEHOW END UP LOOKING BACK AT EVERYTHING YOUVE DONE. IT JUST SNOWBALLS AND SPIRALS OUT OF CONTROL... AND IN THE END YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HOW YOU ENDED UP WHERE YOU WERE WHEN ALL YOU WANTED TO KNOW WAS SOMETHING SIMPLE. YOUR BRAIN REALLY IS AN ASSHOLE... IT CONNECTS THINGS IN THE DUMBEST OF WAYS TO MAKE YOU FEEL THE SHITTIEST OF WAYS... BUT THEN... C'EST LA VIE... 

IM CURRENTLY HAPPY WITH WHERE I AM AND WHAT IM DOING BUT AT THE SAME TIME SOMETHINGS JUST MISSING. I HONESTLY THINK ITS JUST THAT THIS WILL BE A BIG YEAR. IT STARTED OFF IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY ALREADY AND MY OWN PERSONAL DEADLINE IS COMING UP. NOT TO MENTION THE BDAY THIS YEAR IS ALSO A BIG ONE... EVERYTHING CAN ONLY LOOK UP FROM THIS POINT AM I RIGHT? EVERYTHING IS STARTING TO FEEL LIKE WHATS THE POINT AGAIN. SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO, SO MANY GOALS NOT MET, AND TIME JUST KEEPS ON TICKING. WHO KNOWS WHATS CAUSING THIS... THE TIME OFF, THE MEDS, THE AGE, THE SURROUNDING... WHO KNOWS!!! JUST NEED THAT PUSH AGAIN TO GET MYSELF ON TRACK AGAIN. NEED TO KNOW WHATS IT ALL MEAN OR WHATS THE POINT. THE QUESTIONS THATS BEEN ASKED FOR SO LONG AND THE ANSWER ALWAYS ALLUDES US. SIGH... MAYBE IL BE ABLE TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT... SOONER OR LATER... MAYBE...

HONESTLY THERES SOME THINGS I WANT TO WRITE BUT I DONT WANT TO WRITE THEM... DOES THAT MAKE SENSE... MAYBE ONE DAY WHEN I FINALLY DECIDE TO WRITE ABOUT IT YOU WILL ALL UNDERSTAND.

STILL BEEN BUSY DEALING WITH THE CAR ACCIDENT AND ALL BUT IVE FINALLY BEEN ABLE TO GET A CAR. AFTER SOME SEARCHING AND SOME CONNECTIONS I SHOULD BE PICKING UP THE CAR SOMETIME THIS WEEK.

IM TIRED, IM SORE, I DONT KNOW ANYMORE... JUST... BLA... JUST... BLA... THATS ALL THERE IS TO IT... SO... UNTIL TO NEXT TIME...

RT

THE FUTURE'S NOT OURS TO SEE

IVE BEEN LOOKING AT THE PAST AND THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE QUITE A BIT RECENTLY... ESPECIALLY WHEN I WAS ON MY TRIP A FEW WEEKS AGO. ONCE AGAIN IVE REACHED THE AGE WHERE ITS TIME TO SERIOUSLY THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING AND WHERE I AM. IVE BEEN GOING THROUGH MY POSTS THAT IVE WRITTEN OVER THE PAST 4 YEARS AND YES, SOME ARE RANDOM AND DONT REALLY HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING WHILE BUT THERE ARE THOSE THAT MAKE ONE THINK MORE DEEPLY. IVE WRITTEN ABOUT A LOT OF DIFFERENT TOPICS BUT THE SAME THOUGHTS KEEP COMING BACK UP OVER AND OVER. I DONT REGRET ANYTHING IVE DONE IN THE PAST BUT THERE IS THE THOUGHT OF ALWAYS WONDERING WHAT IF... WHAT IF I DID THIS INSTEAD, WHERE WOULD I HAVE ENDED UP THEN? WOULD I STILL BE HERE DOING THE SAME THING? WOULD I BE BETTER OFF OR WORSE OFF? THESE QUESTIONS WILL NEVER BE ANSWERED. THE SAME NOW GOES THROUGH MY HEAD BUT MORE OF WHATS NEXT AND WHERE WILL I BE? I THINK IT JUST HAS TO DO WITH MANY OF MY FRIENDS GETTING OLDER AND EITHER GETTING MARRIED OR HAVING KIDS. THINGS WERE SO MUCH SIMPLER BACK THEN... LESS WORRIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES, BUT NOW IT SEEMS THAT IM ALWAYS WORRYING ABOUT SOMETHING. THATS JUST PART OF LIFE I SUPPOSE. WHATS NEXT FOR ME? DONT GET ME WRONG, IM HAPPY WHERE I AM AND WHAT IM DOING BUT SOMETIMES I REALLY WISH THERE WAS A CRYSTAL BALL TO SEE WHERE I END UP. I HAVE A PLANS AND GOALS FOR MYSELF, BUT IT WOULD BE NICE TO FIND OUT IF EVERYTHING THAT I WANT AND AM WORKING TOWARDS REALLY DO COME TO FRUITION. I GUESS ITS JUST THE WANT... NO, THE NEED TO KNOW IF I AM GOING TO ACHIEVE MY GOALS OR IF IM ACTUALLY JUST WASTING TIME. I REALLY HATE WASTING TIME THESE DAYS, I REALIZE THAT THERES NEVER ENOUGH OF IT... I GUESS THIS IS REALLY SHOWING MY AGE NOW... I REALLY HAVE TO START ON MY PLAN TO GET THE FUTURE I HAVE PLANNED AND ENVISIONED. THEN AGAIN... WHO KNOWS... THE FUTURES NOT OURS TO SEE...

WORK, TV, FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND THE REST IS THE SAME OLD. WE DID HOWEVER START A VOLLEYBALL TEAM :) LOL THE LAST TIME I PLAYED VOLLEYBALL WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL GYM CLASS... DECIDED TO MAKE A TEAM SO WE CAN KEEP ACTIVE UNTIL FOOTBALL STARTS BACK UP AGAIN. VOLLEYBALL IS THE ONE SPORT THAT WILL HURT ME THE MOST... MY SHOULDER IS SO SCREWED UP THAT SPIKING THE BALL WILL BE INTERESTING. YOU ALL KNOW THAT IVE DISLOCATED MY SHOULDER MORE THAN I CAN EVEN REMEMBER AND ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES ME TO THROW OR HIT A BALL IN THAT MOTION IS JUST ASKING FOR TROUBLE HAHA. JUST GOTTA BE MORE CAREFUL THAN NORMAL. THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN SINCE THERES ONLY A FEW PEOPLE THAT HAVE ACTUALLY PLAYED BEFORE. OH WELL LOL.

ITS STARTING TO GET DARK PRETTY EARLY THESE DAYS AND ITS ALSO GETTING COLDER TOO... STARTING TO FEEL LIKE DOING LESS AND LESS AND EVERYTHING SEEMS QUIETER AS WELL... EVERY YEAR THERES LESS GOING ON AND PEOPLE JUST DONT WANT THE HASSLE ANYMORE, OH WELL. LIFE GOES ON... C'EST LA VIE

RT