TIME MAKES ONE THINK...

SO IVE TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE IN SOME FORM OR ANOTHER BUT DUE TO ME BEING ON INJURY LEAVE FROM WORK CAUSE OF THE CAR ACCIDENT THE TOPIC IS MORE PREVALENT. WHEN IM LAYING THERE, YOUR MIND JUST LIKES TO WORK OVERTIME AND A FLOOD OF QUESTIONING AND JUDGEMENT CREEPS IN... QUESTIONING AND JUDGEMENT OF WHERE I AM, WHERE IVE BEEN, WHERE IM GOING, WHAT IM DOING, WHY..., AND THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE OF ALL... WHAT IF... TIME JUST MAKES YOU THINK OF EVERYTHING YOU DONT WANT TO... I RATHER BE BUSY AND HAVE OTHER THINGS ON MY MIND THAN TO HAVE ME QUESTIONING MYSELF. THE WORST PART IS THAT ITS NOT JUST ONE THING... IT ALWAYS STARTS OFF WITH SOMETHING SMALL WHICH CONNECTS TO SOMETHING BIGGER AND THEN YOU JUMP ISSUES AND SOMEHOW END UP LOOKING BACK AT EVERYTHING YOUVE DONE. IT JUST SNOWBALLS AND SPIRALS OUT OF CONTROL... AND IN THE END YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HOW YOU ENDED UP WHERE YOU WERE WHEN ALL YOU WANTED TO KNOW WAS SOMETHING SIMPLE. YOUR BRAIN REALLY IS AN ASSHOLE... IT CONNECTS THINGS IN THE DUMBEST OF WAYS TO MAKE YOU FEEL THE SHITTIEST OF WAYS... BUT THEN... C'EST LA VIE... 

IM CURRENTLY HAPPY WITH WHERE I AM AND WHAT IM DOING BUT AT THE SAME TIME SOMETHINGS JUST MISSING. I HONESTLY THINK ITS JUST THAT THIS WILL BE A BIG YEAR. IT STARTED OFF IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY ALREADY AND MY OWN PERSONAL DEADLINE IS COMING UP. NOT TO MENTION THE BDAY THIS YEAR IS ALSO A BIG ONE... EVERYTHING CAN ONLY LOOK UP FROM THIS POINT AM I RIGHT? EVERYTHING IS STARTING TO FEEL LIKE WHATS THE POINT AGAIN. SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO, SO MANY GOALS NOT MET, AND TIME JUST KEEPS ON TICKING. WHO KNOWS WHATS CAUSING THIS... THE TIME OFF, THE MEDS, THE AGE, THE SURROUNDING... WHO KNOWS!!! JUST NEED THAT PUSH AGAIN TO GET MYSELF ON TRACK AGAIN. NEED TO KNOW WHATS IT ALL MEAN OR WHATS THE POINT. THE QUESTIONS THATS BEEN ASKED FOR SO LONG AND THE ANSWER ALWAYS ALLUDES US. SIGH... MAYBE IL BE ABLE TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT... SOONER OR LATER... MAYBE...

HONESTLY THERES SOME THINGS I WANT TO WRITE BUT I DONT WANT TO WRITE THEM... DOES THAT MAKE SENSE... MAYBE ONE DAY WHEN I FINALLY DECIDE TO WRITE ABOUT IT YOU WILL ALL UNDERSTAND.

STILL BEEN BUSY DEALING WITH THE CAR ACCIDENT AND ALL BUT IVE FINALLY BEEN ABLE TO GET A CAR. AFTER SOME SEARCHING AND SOME CONNECTIONS I SHOULD BE PICKING UP THE CAR SOMETIME THIS WEEK.

IM TIRED, IM SORE, I DONT KNOW ANYMORE... JUST... BLA... JUST... BLA... THATS ALL THERE IS TO IT... SO... UNTIL TO NEXT TIME...

RT

A LITTLE LOST...

LATELY IVE BEEN FEELING LOST... NOT IN THE SENSE OF WHERE I AM BUT MORE OF THE WHERE I AM GOING. LIKE WHATS MY DIRECTION? EVERYONE FEELS IT SOMETIME, JUST THE FEELING OF NOT KNOWING WHAT YOU ARE DOING ANY MORE. LOOKING BACK IM THINKING HOW DID I GET TO THIS POINT... AND ITS ALL GOOD BECAUSE EVERYTHING HAPPENED THE WAY IT WAS SUPPOSE TO, TO BRING ME TO WHERE I AM, BUT WHERE AM I GOING...??? I CANT REALLY SEE THAT FAR AHEAD RIGHT NOW. I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I WILL BE IN 5 YEARS, OR SEE WHAT I AM SUPPOSE TO DO... I KNOW EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT BUT I DONT KNOW WHERE IT IS TAKING ME. IM TOO BUSY RIGHT NOW WITH WORK AND FOOTBALL AND SOCCER TO REALLY CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE... I CANT EVEN GUESS WHERE THIS IS ALL LEADING ME TO... MAYBE ALL THIS IS JUST BUILDING UP TO SOMETHING ELSE, BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT THAT IS... IM HAPPY WITH MY JOB, AND WE JUST WON OUR 1ST GAME IN FOOTBALL, AND WE HAVING THE QUARTER-FINALS GAME FOR SOCCER, FRIENDS AND FAMILY IS DOING WELL AND EVERYTHING IS COMING TOGETHER... FOR NOW... I ONLY KNOW THAT IN THE IMMEDIATE FUTURE THAT EVERYTHING IS SORTA SET BUT HOW ABOUT FARTHER DOWN THE ROAD??? I CANT SEE WHERE ALL OF THIS IS LEADING TO... THERES LOTS I WANT TO DO BUT HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE TO GET THERE??? SO MANY QUESTIONS... THE FUTURES A LITTLE BLURRY AND IM A LITTLE LOST... BUT I GUESS THATS THE FUN PART OF LIFE... NOT KNOWING WHATS COMING AND THE ADVENTURE THAT IT WILL BRING... THE ONLY THING I CAN DO IS BE PREPARED FOR WHATS TO COME AND JUST TAKE IT ON HEAD FIRST... I MEAN... AFTERALL... THE BEST HAS YET TO COME, RIGHT?!?!?! :) 

RT