TIME MAKES ONE THINK...

SO IVE TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE IN SOME FORM OR ANOTHER BUT DUE TO ME BEING ON INJURY LEAVE FROM WORK CAUSE OF THE CAR ACCIDENT THE TOPIC IS MORE PREVALENT. WHEN IM LAYING THERE, YOUR MIND JUST LIKES TO WORK OVERTIME AND A FLOOD OF QUESTIONING AND JUDGEMENT CREEPS IN... QUESTIONING AND JUDGEMENT OF WHERE I AM, WHERE IVE BEEN, WHERE IM GOING, WHAT IM DOING, WHY..., AND THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE OF ALL... WHAT IF... TIME JUST MAKES YOU THINK OF EVERYTHING YOU DONT WANT TO... I RATHER BE BUSY AND HAVE OTHER THINGS ON MY MIND THAN TO HAVE ME QUESTIONING MYSELF. THE WORST PART IS THAT ITS NOT JUST ONE THING... IT ALWAYS STARTS OFF WITH SOMETHING SMALL WHICH CONNECTS TO SOMETHING BIGGER AND THEN YOU JUMP ISSUES AND SOMEHOW END UP LOOKING BACK AT EVERYTHING YOUVE DONE. IT JUST SNOWBALLS AND SPIRALS OUT OF CONTROL... AND IN THE END YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HOW YOU ENDED UP WHERE YOU WERE WHEN ALL YOU WANTED TO KNOW WAS SOMETHING SIMPLE. YOUR BRAIN REALLY IS AN ASSHOLE... IT CONNECTS THINGS IN THE DUMBEST OF WAYS TO MAKE YOU FEEL THE SHITTIEST OF WAYS... BUT THEN... C'EST LA VIE... 

IM CURRENTLY HAPPY WITH WHERE I AM AND WHAT IM DOING BUT AT THE SAME TIME SOMETHINGS JUST MISSING. I HONESTLY THINK ITS JUST THAT THIS WILL BE A BIG YEAR. IT STARTED OFF IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY ALREADY AND MY OWN PERSONAL DEADLINE IS COMING UP. NOT TO MENTION THE BDAY THIS YEAR IS ALSO A BIG ONE... EVERYTHING CAN ONLY LOOK UP FROM THIS POINT AM I RIGHT? EVERYTHING IS STARTING TO FEEL LIKE WHATS THE POINT AGAIN. SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO, SO MANY GOALS NOT MET, AND TIME JUST KEEPS ON TICKING. WHO KNOWS WHATS CAUSING THIS... THE TIME OFF, THE MEDS, THE AGE, THE SURROUNDING... WHO KNOWS!!! JUST NEED THAT PUSH AGAIN TO GET MYSELF ON TRACK AGAIN. NEED TO KNOW WHATS IT ALL MEAN OR WHATS THE POINT. THE QUESTIONS THATS BEEN ASKED FOR SO LONG AND THE ANSWER ALWAYS ALLUDES US. SIGH... MAYBE IL BE ABLE TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT... SOONER OR LATER... MAYBE...

HONESTLY THERES SOME THINGS I WANT TO WRITE BUT I DONT WANT TO WRITE THEM... DOES THAT MAKE SENSE... MAYBE ONE DAY WHEN I FINALLY DECIDE TO WRITE ABOUT IT YOU WILL ALL UNDERSTAND.

STILL BEEN BUSY DEALING WITH THE CAR ACCIDENT AND ALL BUT IVE FINALLY BEEN ABLE TO GET A CAR. AFTER SOME SEARCHING AND SOME CONNECTIONS I SHOULD BE PICKING UP THE CAR SOMETIME THIS WEEK.

IM TIRED, IM SORE, I DONT KNOW ANYMORE... JUST... BLA... JUST... BLA... THATS ALL THERE IS TO IT... SO... UNTIL TO NEXT TIME...

RT